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3 months ago
Already I’m so lonesome, I could die…
My soldier left today. Tomorrow he takes a plane to basic training. It hurts so badly that I can barely breathe. I know he doesn’t want me to be sad, but I can’t help it. It already feels impossible to lay down in my bedroom without him.
I spent my afternoon telling everyone I saw how great he is. I knew this day was coming. I suppose I just didn’t want to face it until I absolutely had to. Everyone who knows me will tell you I don’t cry. I’ve never cried as much or as hard as I did this past week. On Tuesday, I broke and cried right in front of him and he just held me saying everything was going to be okay. He said he’d only be gone for a little while. I wanted that to make me feel better, but I couldn’t because all I could think of was the time he’d be spending away from me.
I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m already so lonely and he’s only been gone for 4 and a half hours. I’ve always said leaving him at night was the hardest thing I’d do all day.
I was wrong. This was way harder.
Nonetheless, I have to pull myself together. I have to keep busy and find ways to pass time until we can be together again. I’m going to try. I have to. For him. For us. For the future we hope to have.
I hope he remembers how to find my blog. Adieu,
Me. Xo.
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4 months ago
14 days until the worst day of my life…
I know I haven’t been by lately, but here’s the long and short of my current life: I met the most perfect boyfriend ever and he leaves me in 14 days.
I know that sounds dramatic, but I can’t help feeling like I can’t breathe. I spent so long looking and he appeared when I felt like giving up. He showed me what it was like to be worth something; how some one is supposed to treat the one they love. He is my hero. He saved me from my own self destruction because he saw things in me that I couldn’t see and opened my eyes to them. We belong together. He’s perfect for me.
I love him so much. I know without a doubt that he loves me too. There is no safer place in this world than by his side. There is no place I’d rather be than in his arms and in 14 days, I’ll have to learn how to go through my days without him.
He’s a soldier. He deploys in 14 days and I don’t know when he’ll be back. My heart belongs to him and I’ll be here waiting for the day that he can put his hands in my hair again.
14 days until he ships off. 14 days until the worst day of my life.
My bed will be much too big without him in it.
Adieu,
Me. Xo. -
10 months ago
Life Lesson #6: Reasons are more of a privilage than a right.
Even if we want to know something, we aren’t always entitled to know it. Sad, but true. There are many unanswered questions we face in our lifetime. Such as:
“Why did my parents divorce?”
“Why didn’t that girl call me back?”
“Why was I passed up for that job?”
“Why didn’t he want me? Is there some one else better than me?”
“Why did my loved one have to die?”
“Will I ever be happy?”
These are types of questions we will ask ourselves everytime something goes wrong in our lives. The questions may apply to different people or senarios, but they are always the same type; the kind that people can’t or won’t give you a real answer to. So, we are left to ponder it until we forget we wanted to know the answer or we satisfy our own curiosity by developing a reason that makes sense and we can accept.The truth is, we as people need to simply understand that reasons for ill fate are more of a privilage than a right. Sometimes things are the way they are just because. No rhyme or reason. No drawn out explainations or dramatic deductions. It just is what it is so try not to fret, my dears. Try to be happy for what you had instead of mourning what you lost and questioning why you lost it or why it was taken from you. It makes the coping process easier when you don’t have hate in your heart.
I know this because I’ve been going through it all summer. Adieu,
Me. Xo. -
11 months ago
Life Lesson #5: Prepare for the worst, hope for the best, and have fun in the meantime.
This is a hard one for me to follow and I believe the reason why is because it’s easier to just feel like everything is doomed. We live in a very jaded world and that makes it hard to believe anything good can ever happen. In truth, optimistic versus pessimistic is irrelevant. It’s all about having a balance.
So be prepared if life goes south, hope that it doesn’t, and find some things in your current moment that will make you happy, even if only for a minute.
Adieu, Me. Xo.
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1 year ago
Life Lesson #4: Let yourself live in the world of shit once in a while.
There are moments in our lives where things just aren’t going the way we want them to go. Things happen that keep you from having what you want and it seems that bad things happen all at once resulting in a “when it rains, it pours” type of circumstance. It sucks. It’s tiresome, stressful, and depressing. Sometimes it’s so debilitating that it becomes hard or hurtful to even breath.
It’s even harder to have the “frown upside down” attitude. It takes a lot out of you to be optimistic when things look so bleak and you feel so helpless. Well, here’s the truth: You need to let yourself live in the world of shit once in a while. There are five stages of grieving (or death, as they are more commonly known): Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. In truth these stages apply to dealing with everyday trials too, especially when everything seems to be collapsing simultaneously. If you notice, four out of those five stages are shitty. So allow yourself to live in the world of shit, just for a little while, because in all of this misery there is acceptance somewhere and once that is achieved, you can move forward in whatever direction you choose.
Adieu,
Me. Xo. -
1 year ago
Life Lesson #3: Relationships are important.
Whether they be friends, family, or lovers, relationships are important. They’re our support network during times of crisis. They’re our hearts during times of joy. Everything is better, despite the circumstance, when you have people around you who care.
This world sucks. It sucks more when you are lonely.
Adieu,
Me. Xo. -
1 year ago
Life Lesson #2: Money and sex make the world go ‘round.
It’s lame, but true. There are too many things in this world that can’t be done without money and there are too many things that involve sex. Many aspects of life such as relationships, families, jobs, etcetera can all be affected one way or another by money and sex. These two things can both build and destroy. Moral of this lesson? Moderation is essential.
Too much of a good thing… and all that jazz. Adieu,
Me. Xo. -
Notes: 1 / 1 year ago
People Watching.
To clear my mind, I took a walk to a nearby park. There’s a pavilion at the park which over looks a field that young people like to sit in. As I rest at the pavilion, I hear voices echo. I turned off my iPod to hear this:
“I feel like you haven’t had much of an interest in me these past few days. I figured you were busy, but I don’t know… Do you not want to be around me anymore? It’s alright if you don’t. I just thought I’d outright ask instead of guessing…” a young girl says, her eyes looking down as she twists blades of grass between her fingers.
“Well honestly, I did not expect things to happen with this other girl as fast as they have been and she has been taking a lot of my time. I’m sorry if I’ve been making you feel neglected. I just don’t need that pick-me-up you so amazingly provided. However, that in no way means I want to stop talking with you. I very much enjoy our talks,” a young boy responds as he brushes the hair out of her face. He smiles in hopes of seeing her smile back. “I’m pursuing her not because I don’t have an interest in you, but because I’ve harbored a crush on this other girl for a long time and this is my only shot.”
The girl turns her head to face the sunset. The sun light catches a single glistening tear that escaped her eyes. She clearly cares for this boy very much and was willing to have him however he wanted to have her, even if it wasn’t exactly what she wanted. “It’s alright. You don’t owe me any explainations, but I appreciate you providing one nonetheless. People come and go in my life. I only hope they find their way back to me after they leave. You can’t help how your heart feels. Go where it’s trying to lead you. I like you. I knew this when we met which is why I found you on Facebook that same night. I don’t know the depth of my feelings, really. That’s why they call it ‘heart.’ You feel, not think. I enjoy our talks too and if I got to taste you again I would gladly do it, but I also understand that what we started was an adventure. We don’t know where that trail leads and if it dead ends here, then so be it. Likewise, don’t feel like you can’t talk to me because you can. I’ve grown quite fond of you and I do care about you.” She wipes the tear off of her face, trying not to show her true colors.
“And I you,” he reponds as he kisses her forehead.
Gracefully choking on her own emotion and trying to force a smile, she continues to say, “I hope things work out the way you want. You’re very sweet and funny; bright and attractive. I can gather this much, so she should be able to as well. She’d be silly not to want you for herself. I’m here if you ever need a pick-me-up again and that offer stands whether you claim it tomorrow or another day in the future.”
She touches his hand. He smiles at her once more. She rises from the grass that she has so tenderly twisted, gently kisses his cheek, and says, “Goodnight, hun.”
She begins to walk away. He slowly drops her fingertips from his as she takes each hesitant step away from him. Before turning to go himself he finally utters, ”Night” and makes his way up the hill and past me with a glimmer of hope in his eye.
I imagine he dreams of the girl he is pursuing, while memories of him sweeten the dreams of that brave girl who has just so sadly let him go. That boy is brave for being honest with her and following his heart. That girl is strong for letting go of what seemed to have given her momentary joy in hopes that he may be happier than her. It’s hard to come by an act so selfless. I’m glad I was able to witness such a bittersweet goodnight.
I walked home with hope in my heart for my current trials. I hope I can have the courage that these two people have.
Adieu,
Me. Xo. -
1 year ago
Life Lesson #1: Life’s fucking tough… no matter who you are.
I’ve decided to take what I’ve gathered from my own experiences and turn them into documented life lessons. I feel it will be beneficial to you and me as it’s about time we had a handbook that isn’t the fucking Bible.
This first one is easy. It doesn’t matter who you are, what you’ve done, or where you live. It doesn’t matter who you love, what color you are, how much money you have, or what faith you follow. Whether you are going through trials or triumphs, the point is clear: Life’s fucking tough.
So, get a helmet. Adieu,
Me. Xo. -
1 year ago
My mother is apparently still angry.
I wonder why she hates me so much…?
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